Looking ahead.

Well now I’ve done the tedious never-ending preamble, I can just get down to talking about me. I’m not used to that, I mean put me in a pub with a crowd of people and I look for the attention and praise of others, but really I don’t like that bit of me entirely and I want to stop it, I don’t need the acceptance of others if I have the honest and unbiased acceptance of my self.  But I’m a gobby bloke taken in social circles, making witticisms, talking and listening to people properly, trying to winkle out the shy and the uncomfortable and give them attention too, help them fit in. Basically I love playing to a crowd. I do miss a crowd, haven’t had one since I moved to my current abode, for good reasons and there’s been plenty of reward to balance the loss.

I realised something yesterday whilst driving that in fact most of my self esteem was based on the opinions of others. Without a herd decision I find myself directionless, unable to step boldly on any particular path. I’ve come a long way but I still find myself much happier in a group of three people than in a group of two, four rather than three, etc etc. I think what might have happened is that I have developed a better confidence in dealing with my own problems my way, but I still have that craving for outward approval, I still want to play to a packed house.

On the relationship side of things, I’ve joined some free dating websites, with absolutely bugger all response so far which leads me to think A) I’m a munter, B) multiple relationship deals aren’t very socially acceptable to the herd and C) I haven’t really given it very long and since when did I think I was the kind of guy who whistles and has women hurling themselves from passing vehicles to be the first to touch the hem of my coat. Leaves a bit of a question, there’s people who would decry my domestic choice, who I can ignore, and there’s people who would see some value in it, who I want to attract (assuming I find them attractive) but are websites like these the places to find the people I want to connect to? My forte always was meeting people in the flesh, chatting and getting on verbally and physically with people, but I don’t want to start taking up hobbies or side interests with the possibility of landing myself available women. That feels a little too stalkery for me.

At the end of the day a lot of it is just trying to make myself feel better about being possibly attractive to other people, as TPG seems to have a stable of attentive males to chat to and I have me. I’m sure things will change as I get out there and make connections, but at the moment it’s just too depressing to be bothered with.

PS Why do men think it’s attractive to send women pictures of their engorged genitalia, have any of these guys actually met a woman? Are there any women over the age of 17 who might think that a good come-on?

It begins…

Over the years I’ve noticed one thing about my relationships, they haven’t worked out. Good, bad and indifferent, I have been left with the feeling that I could have done things better, or the other person could, or that nothing either of us did was going to be enough to prod life into the dog dying at our feet. I’ve been engaged twice, married once, lived with three women and and fucked as many as I could honourably (when I’m at my best) lay my hands on, and I am currently in the position where I am in a contented partnership where we have decided to become polyamorous, or to put it in English, we’ve agreed that there is room for more than two people in our relationship.

I would guess most people would think that we had got to the stage where many couples give up, split up and go find other people to partner up with, but i contest that this is not the answer. We are perfectly happy to live together, there is a real bond of trust and love between us, but we both think that a devotion to one person to the exclusion of the possiblities of others is damaging and unnecessary, a devotion to a romantic Jesus that will channel us into the convent or monastery of a normal monogomous relationship and restrict our experience of the revolving world outside to that which the drafty slit in the walls of our cell will allow.

And so the social experiment commences, we both attempt to reassure ourselves that this is going to be good for the unterminated condition called us, and also reassuring each other that this is going to have legs, it’s going to be a process that will last. We will learn more as we progress, but I think the important point to note here is that we have faith in each other’s desire to return to each other, to want to give time and attention and demand love and care from each other. I don’t think we’d have a hope in hell without something like that, some desire to maintain a coherent us.

These pages will relate my success or otherwise in my progress through a different way of looking at life, love and the number 42.